You CAN Recover

I wrote the original You CAN Recover blog in 2015. Included below is an update from October 2017 and October 2022.

This time last year my mood was finally stabilising after 6 months of severe depression and crippling anxiety. I can see now that last October marks a turning point in my recovery where I was starting to work on maintaining the good progress I had achieved; something I didn’t believe would happen in the first few weeks and months of being unwell.

Depression is really hard to experience. What’s so surprising is how many physical symptoms you experience even though it is a mental health condition. The heaviness, exhaustion, lethargy and agitation, coupled with a complete loss of interest in everything, made the most simple of things feel impossible to do. Then there’s the effect depression has on your perception – what I call depressed thinking. I was plagued with self-critical thoughts, poor concentration, pessimism and hopelessness. I thought and really believed that everything was going wrong in my life and that the situation was irreversible.

Between the physical symptoms and the depressed thinking, my day-to-day life became unrecognisable. I found talking to people almost unbearable. I struggled to make the simplest of decisions. I cried sometimes for hours on end and yawned constantly. Waking early in the morning and knowing I had a whole day ahead of me often overwhelmed me. I worried about how I would get through the day, how I would fill the time and how I would bear it all. And each day I experienced varying degrees of anxiety ranging from general tension, aches and worry to total dread and panic.

That’s a very brief summary of what depression and anxiety were like for me last year. Earlier today I read back on something I wrote to my friend Jennifer when I was starting to improve last year, which I think captures my experience well:

“Hi Jennifer, I’m doing okay. It’s hard in ways to have so much time on my hands but I need the space to work on getting better. I’ve been plagued with the most terrible negative thoughts and the whole experience of being depressed has really dented my confidence. I’m feeling more myself the last few weeks and know I’ll get back on my feet but I have a lot of fears that are yet to be allayed. Time, time, time… I’m trying to take each day as it comes for now as it’s very easy for me to slip into panic or dread about the future.

I guess you’re wondering why I’m depressed and there’s no simple answer as there never is in life. It’s probably a combination of lots of things including exhaustion from doing too much work and an underlying lack of confidence – a good recipe for depression. I also have certain vulnerabilities from my past as you know and I guess all of those things combined to bring me to the very dark and low place I found myself in recently. My mood started to slowly slide downwards from early February and then crashed early April. I had terrible insomnia, was dragging myself into work each day feeling miserable (and feeling I was no good at my job) and had terrible pains in my chest. I had reached the stage where I was running on fumes and a crash landing was inevitable.

I’d known since last year that I was burning out and all wasn’t well. I stepped back from my role as Chairperson of AOTI and was trying to cut back but on another level the fear of facing unwanted feelings drove me to push even harder. At my lowest everything overwhelmed me. I couldn’t make a simple decision, like if Claudio asked me if I wanted toast for breakfast I couldn’t work out whether to say yes or no. I had no appetite. I couldn’t sleep. I was exhausted and yawned constantly. Interacting with others became unbearably hard. I felt so depressed and anxious. And all the time the worst of thoughts were going through my mind and whatever I was thinking seemed completely real.

That ability to say to myself “sure you know that’s not true” was totally gone. I thought I’d never work again so in my mind I was living out scenarios of what life was going to be like without work, broke, homeless. These kinds of negative thoughts fuelled an image of a miserable, meaningless, unlivable future. I believed I’d never work again, that my marriage was over and that everyone was pissed off with me because I was letting them down. On top of this I believed that how I was feeling was the real me and that I’d just been pretending to myself for a long time and that this is what life is really like. I couldn’t see a way out.

I couldn’t see how I could ever feel better but I wanted to feel better and this is what kept me hanging on. My mantra was “just this moment” as I tried to get through minute by minute, hour by hour. The anxiety and dread was almost unbearable. But I got through. It’s taken a lot of time and rest and medication to get me to this stage of recovery where I can see the bigger picture of what’s happened and accept it but for a long time I was dumbstruck at finding myself in the middle of a major depressive episode and kept thinking how, why, how, why me, how? Around and around. I had the feeling that my life was falling apart in an irreparable way. It was very frightening.

I’m now at a better stage albeit still quite fragile underneath it all. To look at me most people would think “he’s grand” but it still takes very little for me to feel I’ve messed up and my future is hopeless. Cognitive therapy is helping me to work on my negative thoughts which is no easy task but it’s helping. Everyone in my life has been so kind and supportive. Claudio was so good in the early stages gently coaxing me to get out of bed, eat small meals, take my meds and do those little things that make a difference in the dreadful bleak early days. Lots of hugs too. And he was loving and patient throughout.

My family, friends and work colleagues have been so supportive and everyone wants to do what they can to help. I keep saying that just knowing people care and are supportive is what helps so much. Especially because in my darkest days I feared people would be pissed off with me because I was depressed and reject me. I’m conscious that I’ve just focused on me in this message and not enquired about you but for now that’s the best that I can do and hope you understand. I’ve a lot to learn from this experience that I hope will help me on my journey through life henceforth”.

As I reflect today on the occasion of World Mental Health Day 2015, I see how my experience of recovery is in direct contrast to the pessimism and worry of depression and anxiety. Last year I didn’t feel able for life, I thought my worst fears were coming true and life felt pointless and meaningless. I kept thinking about death and everyday things like eating and talking to people seemed futile in the face of existential terrors. Many days I felt totally disconnected from myself and others and felt dead inside. It was truly horrendous and my heart goes out to anyone who experiences anxiety, depression and any other mental health struggles.

Now I am able to get on with my life and I feel content and relaxed most days. I feel able for life and my energy, enthusiasm and interest have returned. I can see clearly now how unwell I was last year and how this affected my whole self and life but my experience of recovering has been a wonderful life-affirming one. To see so many people’s acts of kindness and care in response to my distress has been truly heart-warming and has helped me enormously. Gaining insight and learning new life skills through cognitive behavioural therapy, seeing my psychiatrist, learning mindfulness meditation, talking to loved ones, reading books, watching videos and trying new things have all helped. I’m still on meds and will stay on them until my psychiatrist and I agree it’s the right time to start reducing.

I now do things every day to look after my mental health and this is to the fore of my mind as opposed to being an “Oh I really should do that” kind of idea. My mantra is “wellbeing is a daily activity” and that’s how I’m now trying to live my life (and still learning let it be said!). So many things helped me in my recovery journey and I’ll include the main ones below, which appeared in an earlier blog on antidepressants. My message today is one of hope; if you are struggling with your mental health you can get better. You can recover. You can get back to living a life that feels worthwhile, enjoyable and fulfilling. You can experience feelings of calm, interest and restfulness again. You can feel connected and close to others and enjoy socialising again. You can be happy with yourself and your life. You can recover.

Here are some of the other things I found particularly helpful in my recovery:

• Talking to my husband Claudio, friends and family members about what I was going through especially on the bad days.
• Being honest and letting people in and sharing the most upsetting thoughts eased the pressure cooker feeling inside my head. And luckily for me they were willing and able to listen. I am so grateful for this.
• The skilled and compassionate help I got from my GP, psychiatrist and cognitive-behavioural therapist
• Taking antidepressant and anti-anxiety medication
• Taking sick leave from work
• Using the Headspace app to learn and practice daily mindfulness meditation
• Doing cognitive behavioural therapy to work on long-held fears, unhelpful thinking patterns and beliefs that stood in the way of my wellbeing
• Having a few key people who I checked in with regularly and who checked in with me to see how I was doing and who knew how to handle me especially on the toughest days (thanks in particular to Claudio, Catherine, Eithne, Jennifer and Javier for being my key recovery people)
• Being told by my key recovery people, “this is you when you are depressed and when you recover you will think and feel differently”, “you will get better”, “this will pass” and “you are going to recover” which I often found hard to believe but they kindly reminded me of
• Reminding myself again and again and again that “this is depression” when I felt awful and was plagued by dark or frightening thoughts that could so easily engulf me
• Using the Mind Over Mood workbook
• Listening to the New Psychology of Depression talks by Prof Mark Williams and Danny Penman on YouTube
• Getting good sleep (yes, with the help of medication) which I badly needed after a prolonged period of insomnia and exhaustion
• Taking regular baths to relax
• Turning off my mobile phone for extended periods and keeping it on silent with vibrate off for minimal disturbance when I turned it on
• Using text, email and DMs to communicate with people when talking was too difficult
• Baking simple things like scones and sponges
• Being open and telling people I was unwell with depression
• Going for short walks or short cycles
• As I came out of the acute phase, meeting friends even when it felt like too much to do (I never regretted spending time with them)
• Letting people do things to help me when they offered
• Making a simple weekly plan for the week ahead every Sunday and identifying one thing to do in the morning, in the afternoon and in the evening
• Adopting the mantra wellbeing is a daily activity to remind myself that what I do today can change how I feel today. This was especially useful when I’d wake up feeling crap or didn’t feel like doing anything because I was feeling so low.

© Odhrán Allen 2015

Update October 2017: 

It’s now two years since I wrote this blog and three years since I was unwell with depression and anxiety and I’m doing well. Like everyone I have my ups and downs but they are not like the crushing crashes of depression or the desperate dread of anxiety. The changes I described two years ago have been sustained and I continue to do my best to live in a way that supports my wellbeing, keeps stress in check and maintains a balance in my life. I feel well, content and satisfied and I’m grateful for all the good people and things in my life. Myself and Claudio have moved into a lovely new apartment where we are very happy living. I’ve changed job and I’m really enjoying the challenge of my new role. I managed to complete a post grad course from which I learned a lot. And I’ve qualified as an International Figure Skating Judge which I’m really thrilled about! Figure skating is one of my lifelong passions.

I still have to work at minding my mental health and I’ve had plenty of wobbles in the past two years. Had I not responded gently but proactively to the wobbles, I could very well have toppled and become unwell again. But I didn’t and steadied myself again each time. I’ve kept up my morning mindfulness meditation which continues to help me. I’ve often dipped back into the many resources that helped me initially in 2014 like the Mind Over Mood workbook or the New Psychology of Depression podcasts. I still live by my motto that “wellbeing is a daily activity” and this helps me to keep doing the things that are good for my health and wellbeing. I have continued to take antidepressants and only recently started to very slowly reduce this medication under the guidance of my psychiatrist. Being open about the wobbles with Claudio, friends, family and colleagues continues to be very helpful. Sometimes old and familiar challenges pop up and while they can still be hard I don’t struggle with them like I used to. I have really learned to accept low moods, sad or anxious days and sleepless nights when they happen. Now they seem to pass quicker and come back much less often.

In July this year a book called The Recovery Letters was published which features letters addressed to people experiencing depression that are written by people who have recovered from depression. I was delighted when the editor James Withey asked me to contribute a letter to the book which was accepted and is on page 209 in the book (click here to read it). It was great to be able to write that letter and to be able to declare publicly that I have recovered. Recovery doesn’t mean cured forever; for me it means I feel well and I’m able to enjoy life again. If you or someone you know is struggling with mental health problems then please know recovery is possible. With time and the right help and support you can recover and I really hope you do.

Thank you to everyone who has been so kind and supportive throughout my recovery journey. To know people really care about one is truly a blessing in this life.

© Odhrán Allen 2017

Update October 2022:

I turned 50 this year and it is 8 years since I became very unwell with anxiety and depression in 2014. I am glad to say things have only got better for me.

The wobbles have continued but I now seen them as just part of life. We all have to ride the waves life sends our way and maintain hope in the troughs as we experience life’s challenges. We also have to maintain awareness and stay grounded as we soar through the easy days and life’s highs. This is captured in my enduring mantra that “wellbeing is a daily activity”. I continue to do those small but important daily things that are good for my mental health. All is not perfect in my life and like everyone I have things I know I could or should do more of, like physical exercise, but hey, who’s perfect?

I learned a lot from the experience of depression and have continued to learn from my life experiences both past and present. Acceptance has been a running theme in my life learning. At the start of 2020 I started doing psychoanalytic psychotherapy which I continue to do weekly. The decision to return to therapy was made at a time of relative wellness and an understanding that having a weekly therapy session would be a good form of self-care for me. It gives me somewhere I can process daily life challenges and upsets as I encounter them. It also gives me a valuable space for exploration, reflection, insight, understanding and acceptance of myself, others and my life. Psychotherapy also provided me with a valuable buffer in the face of the stresses the pandemic brought us all. I have now returned to face-to-face weekly sessions after almost 2 years of online. I plan to continue indefinitely as part of minding my mental health.

I think having that regular activity that connects you to yourself and helps you know what you need is so good for looking after our mental health. It can be anything once it works for you. So often in the past, I approached my mental health like a see-saw. When I was down or anxious I was all about my mental health and did things to help me feel better. But when I was up again I forgot about it and put all my energy into staying up and chasing highs out of fear of being down again. But life is cyclical and there will be challenges and difficult moments. Trying to avoid this is like pushing a balloon under water and trying to keep it out of sight. As soon as you let go the balloon pops back up to the surface. And if you use excessive force to keep it under water it may even burst leading to an sudden bubbling on the surface of all its contents at once.

On reflection, I can now see that this is what was happening to me in 2014. Being confronted with the bursting of the balloon I kept pushing down for so long, was frightening, overwhelming and disorienting. When I did my first mental health placement in 1996 when I was studying Occupational Therapy, the Professor of Psychiatry used to say, “depression is an opportunity for growth and change”. I can now see the wisdom in those words and understand them. While 2014 felt like my annus horribilis, it was a turning point. It was a really hard thing to go through but I did get through it and I did get better. The key is finding the right help and support and I am so lucky I had this. I am eternally grateful to everyone who helped me recover and I have used my experience to help others. Also key is learning to be your own best friend and being easier rather than harder on yourself.

Last year I had a major wobble and for a week or so thought I might be back to 2014 all over again. But that was just a thought. I wasn’t in 2014, I was in 2021. I had been working hard in work to keep things going despite the many challenges the pandemic threw at us all. I was missing all the things I hadn’t been able to do because of lockdowns and restrictions. I was doing a Masters in Business Administration which was tough. And even though I was doing my weekly therapy sessions and trying to take good care of myself, stress is stress and I began to feel the strain of everything. This reaction isn’t mental illness. It’s a human reaction to difficult life experiences. It’s actually a normal reaction to an abnormal situation. It was body’s was of saying, “this isn’t working; something needs to change”. And so I listened and responded and made some changes. On a deeper level, the big wobble in 2021 was about learning not to push myself so hard, not to be a perfectionist and to learn to be more kind and compassionate with myself.

I now include reflection on the theme of acceptance, kindness and compassion in my daily meditation. I have been engaging with secular Buddhist teachings which provide me with so much wise and helpful guidance. I started with the Secular Buddhism Podcast and more recently have been enjoying the wonderful Plum Village podcast The Way Out is In. These are just some examples of how I continue to try to live by my mantra of “wellbeing is a daily activity”.

I’m continuing to learn and like my grandfather used to say, “you’re learning until the day you die”. It’s so true. Depression and anxiety taught me a lot of valuable lessons. I learned I could recover and if I can recover so can you. With the right help and support you can feel better and enjoy life again. My heart goes out to anyone reading this who is experiencing anxiety, depression or any other mental health struggles. I wish you comfort, ease and insight and hope that life will provide you with all the support and gentle guidance you need and deserve. Go gently and handle your inner emotional balloon with care. You can recover and get better and I wish this for you ❤️

© Odhrán Allen 2022

You can follow me on Twitter at @odhranallen for tweets on everything from LGBT equality and mental health to street art and figure skating or on Instagram for nature and city pics