Why do people kill themselves?

Many people can’t understand why people kill themselves. For those of us whose lives are going well, even the thought of killing yourself is extremely hard to relate to. The most direct answer to the question of why someone would kill themselves is that the person thinks that ending their life is the best option for them or something they must do. But why would someone start to think like this?

A person who ends their life does so in the context of their life story. By this I mean that they are a unique individual, whose life story was influenced by their body, their psychology and by their society. We cannot begin to understand suicide without understanding that somehow, albeit tragically, it fits into the story of a person’s life.

The most common story is that the suicidal person is experiencing serious mental health problems and very often has a diagnosable mental illness like depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, anorexia or addiction. For these people, suicidal thinking is part of the suffering that comes with their mental illness. For example, with the distress that comes with severe depression the person starts to believe that “people would be better off without me” and see suicide as the only end to their distress.

In his book, The Suicidal Mind, Edwin Schneidman describes how people often don’t want to actually die but because of intolerable emotional pain (what he called ‘psychache’), ending their life starts to be seen as a solution to ending this pain. Another well-known suicidologist, Thomas Joyner, in his book Why People Die by Suicide, described how those who die by suicide have both the desire to end their life and have overcome the human instinct for self-preservation. He also believed in ‘psychache’ but saw it as related to relationships, i.e. the person feels they have become a burden to others and also feels disconnected from others. A third factor he described is losing or being able to overcome the fear of dying – perhaps this fear is why so many people struggle to understand suicide. So the suicidal person wants to end their pain, feels a burden on others, feels disconnected from those around them and is no longer afraid of dying. It is common for someone suicidal to think things like, this is too much, I can’t take any more, things aren’t going to get better, there’s no point in going on, I have to end the pain.

 

 

Is there anything that can be done to talk someone out of killing themselves? Suicide prevention experts believe there are things that do work. In essence we need to engage the person in conversation, try to get them talking about how they are feeling, stay with them and get them to an appropriate service that can help keep them safe for the duration of the suicidal crises. If I could talk to someone suicidal I would say something like this:

“I know you think dying is the best option for you and you don’t believe that things can get any better. Maybe I would feel the same way if I was in your shoes. I’m so sorry that you’re suffering the way you are and I’m really sorry that living feels so unbearable. I know I don’t know your exact reasons for wanting to die but I know you have good reasons. You have no doubt wrestled with these in your mind and have come to the conclusion that suicide is the solution.

People really do love you and care about you and would be heartbroken if you died. Your loved ones would miss you so much and would wish they had the chance to ease your pain. Give them that chance by telling someone today that you are feeling suicidal.

I believe that if you open up to someone – a neighbour, a colleague, a relative, a friend, a doctor – and talk about the reason why you feel you can’t go on, that this may help to ease your pain a bit. I believe your situation can change and that with the right support you can start to see more reasons for living and find solutions to the things that seems to have gone so wrong in your life.

If you can’t open up to someone you know then please call the Samaritans on 116 123. They are there to listen every minute of every day. They are kind, understanding people who will listen and won’t judge. They won’t tell you what to think or what to do; they’ll just listen in a supportive way. They have talked to many many people who have been in the same dark and lonely place as you and who are feeling life is weighing too heavy on them. They are there for as long as you need or as often as you need.

If you can’t talk to someone and can’t call Samaritans, then get a piece of paper and write these words down: “I need help. Please help me”. Find someone, anyone, and give the piece of paper to them. Please let someone know in whatever way that you can”.

But most importantly of all, if I was in the presence of someone suicidal I would listen. I would give them the time and the space they need to open up and start to talk and I would stay with them and listen and listen and listen.

The tragedy of suicide is that often people don’t get the chance to talk to the suicidal person before they die because they suffer in silence. We need to keep working on changing attitudes in society so that opening up and asking for help becomes easier and easier for everyone.

 

 

Suicide is preventable and this is the message of hope. Addressing biology, psychology and society is part of the solution. This is what’s called the bio-psycho-social model. In Ireland we have a very good national suicide reduction strategy called Connecting for Life which many people are working hard to implement. This 5-year strategy is based on the bio-psycho-social model and has the following important goals:

1. Better public understanding of mental health and suicidal behaviour
2. Supporting communities to prevent and respond to suicidal behaviour
3. Targeted approaches for those vulnerable to suicide
4. Improved access, consistency and integration of services
5. Safe and high quality services
6. Reduce access to means
7. Better data and research

We have begun the suicide prevention journey in Ireland and I believe we can get there but we still have a long way to go. Every Irish citizen has a role to play in this extremely important national goal. We need to reduce suicide. We need to make it easier for people to go for help. We need to ensure the help people need is available. We need to be willing to ask others (even strangers), “are you okay?”. We need to eliminate mental health stigma. We need to look after our mental and emotional health in the same way as we look after our dental and physical health. We need to show more compassion, respect and care for our fellow citizens and ourselves. We’re all trying our best and we all need the help of others. Together we can become the country with the lowest suicide rates in the world. I really believe this.

If you need help visit www.yourmentalhealth.ie or call the Samaritans on 116 123