May is Green Ribbon month in Ireland. This campaign is run by See Change which was set up in 2010 to change attitudes towards mental health problems and end mental health stigma. The Green Ribbon campaign aims to promote conversations about mental health and encourages people to be more open about their mental health and emotional wellbeing.
‘Having the chat’ with someone about how they’re feeling doesn’t require any grand gestures. Often a simple opener like “how are you?” let’s someone know that you’re interested in listening but most of us need a bit of coaxing to open up. So you might want to follow up a response like “I’m grand” with “how are you really?” or “are you really grand?”.
Don’t worry about offending someone. By looking behind the all-too-familiar Irish response of “fine” and probing a little more, you are showing that you care. It’s so easy to go along with someone’s initial response but if you have noticed that someone is out of sorts or not themselves then it’s worth the risk to persist and check how they’re really feeling. If they are burdened in some way, by doing this you’re helping them to open up if they want to.
Then comes the hard part for many people. You’ve asked someone how they are and they say they’re not okay and you immediately start to think “what will I say to them” or “I don’t know what advice to give”. Not knowing how to respond or fear of saying the wrong thing are very common worries that See Change is all too familiar with. So let me share some conversation basics.
First LISTEN! That’s the most helpful thing you can do. Listen to what they are saying. Try not to get lost in your head analysing what they are saying or trying to work out a solution to their problem. Instead listen to what they are telling you. Listen to the words they are using. Listen to the feelings they are expressing. Listen to the thoughts they are sharing with you. This will help you to hear what they are telling you and understand their story.
Give them time and space to put words on what they’re feeling and to say what’s really going on. Let them know you’re listening by nodding and acknowledging what they’re saying with a simple sound like “um-hum”. This also helps convey your interest in what they are telling you and reassures them that you’re listening. It can be good to reflect back what you’re hearing by summarising from time to time and don’t be afraid to ask for clarification if you don’t understand something. In some situations touch might be helpful – a hand on the shoulder, taking the person’s hand or even a reassuring hug. Watch the look on your face – a ‘kind’ facial expression or even a smile (if it’s appropriate to the situation) can greatly encourage someone to open up. Don’t be too far away from the person but be sure not to invade their personal space. Most importantly be yourself, keep it natural and just listen.
You don’t have to know what to say and you definitely don’t have to give advice. Think of the last time you felt better after talking to someone about a problem. What did they do that was helpful? Did they interrupt you to tell you all about when they felt the same way? Did they look blankly and wait for you to finish speaking and then change the subject? Did they try to compete with you and tell you how much worse their situation was? Did they say “you shouldn’t be thinking like that”? Did they respond to a text or check social media while they were ‘listening’? Did they come out with words like “do you know what you should do” and tell you how to fix your problem? I don’t think so! What helps is when we feel someone has really heard what we’re saying and empathised with how we’re feeling. If you’re going to say anything then make sure it is something helpful like, “I’m so sorry to hear that things have been so hard for you” or “it must have been tough trying to manage all this on your own”.
Helpful conversations about our problems start and end with listening – honest, humble and respectful listening. We might be worried about the other person. We might be shocked when we hear what’s really going on. We might not know how they are going to deal with their situation. We might want to make things better for them. We might strongly identify with their experience or not at all identify with it. Things such as these can get in the way of good listening, so try to park your ‘stuff’ and give the person your full attention. When we do this, people feel our presence and are reassured rather than threatened. Part of being respectful means we take everything said as confidential and don’t share it with others unless the person asks us to.
If the person asks you your opinion and you’re a bit stuck for words, be honest and tell them. It’s better to say something like, “I’m not sure what to say but I’m glad you’ve told me what’s going on for you”, than to pretend you have all the answers (which of course you don’t). It’s better to encourage them to look inside for answers and to trust their own judgement than to offer advice that may not work at all for them. I believe people are the experts on themselves even if they don’t realise it. You can reassure them by saying, “I will support you in any way I can” or “you’ve taken the first step by opening up and talking to me and that’s a good thing”. Instead of giving your ideas of how to problem-solve, you can support them to work out their own solution by asking something like, “What would you say to someone else who was in your situation?” or getting them to write down pros and cons of different options. But in the end it is your caring interest and supportive listening that will help them more than anything.
If there is a golden rule of listening then maybe it’s this: make it about the person you are listening to and not about you. This is a core part of why being listened to and being heard can be so helpful. So remember if you want to help someone the best thing you can do is simply to listen and be there for them.
For more tips on having conversations about mental health visit the Green Ribbon website.
If you want more information on mental health visit www.yourmentalhealth.ie
If you need to talk to someone call the Samaritans on 116 123.
© Odhrán Allen 2017
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