I read a story online this week about bullying that resonated with me a lot. I was bullied in school when I was younger. I remember how awful it felt to be bullied, particularly in primary school. Kids will be kids and they will name-call and slag each other but bullying is different. A bully singles you out and repeatedly threatens, attacks and humiliates you.
In primary school there was one guy who bullied me a lot and his older sister also played her part. He used to beat me up which hurt and terrified me. Both of them ridiculed me in front of others which filled me with feelings of humiliation and shame. I was also called all sorts of names incessantly – sissy, pansy, poof, queer, etc.
I’m not and never was the fighting type which may be one of the reasons he chose me as one of his targets. This put me in a catch-22 situation. I was singled out because he knew I was ‘different’ and he knew I wouldn’t put up a fight. I wished I could fight back but it just wasn’t in my nature and I couldn’t change who I was. Anyway, I was just too scared of him to do anything but freeze whenever he pounced.
A person who is bullied often blames them self because the bully criticises, ridicules or attacks something personal about them – an aspect of their body, their character, their behaviour, their ability, their family, etc. In my case the bullies ridiculed my behaviour (I was a girly boy) and my sexual orientation (even though I had no idea what being gay even meant in primary school). In the face of such a deeply personal attack I just wished I could be someone else because the bullying made me feel so bad about who I was.
Many years on, I now understand that bullies are compelled to attack others out of a fear of being attacked themselves. Deep down they feel there is something about them deserving of attack. The boy and his sister bullied me because they knew that if they exploited my vulnerability (girly/gay) it reduced the likelihood of their vulnerability being exploited (they were both overweight). They wanted to make me squirm with humiliation lest they be the ones to be humiliated. He in particular played out his insecurities through bullying of other kids in school too.
Lots of kids have insecurities but they don’t bully other kids. I think the difference with the kid who bullies is they have learned that it’s okay to behave aggressively. Unfortunately for these kids, they often grow up to be unhappy, controlling adults. We all know them. They’re the person who turns nasty when challenged, who is abusive to their partner, who destroys morale in the workplace or who falls out with their friends. All because of their toxic aggressive habit of bullying that they learned in childhood.
I feel sorry for them. Even though I was bullied and lots of people I know have also suffered at the hands of bullies, I still feel sorry for them. While bullying may work as a defensive tactic in childhood it definitely does not work in the long-term. Bullies are not happy people. They remain uncomfortable in their adult skins. Their controlling aggression pushes people away. Yet they long for the intimacy that their aggressive defenses make impossible. And that makes for a very sad life.
Nobody talked about bullying in the 1980s. It just happened. We just got bullied. We just put up with it. We just limped along a little bit more broken by each bullying incident. Luckily for me and many I know, we found a way through and managed to thrive in spite of this huge emotional challenge. But I’m so aware that many kids tragically don’t find a way through. Thankfully, like many things, bullying is talked about nowadays and there is a growing awareness of the need to tackle this emotional scourge. This is particularly important given the omnipresence of online bullying which makes it almost impossible for kids to escape the torment of their bullies.
Bullying is wrong because it causes serious harm to the person being bullied and to the person bullying. Kids are not born bullies so we must help the bullied kid and the kid who is bullying in order to address this serious problem and its consequences. The child doing the bullying needs to unlearn their aggressive ways and be helped to deal with their feelings and insecurities in healthier ways. The child being bullied needs to be supported so they don’t suffer in silence as I and many others had to.
All adults have a responsibility to address bullying – parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents, teachers, youth club leaders, sports coaches, community leaders, professionals, etc. We all must strive to eradicate bullying by helping children to learn:
- how to get on with others based on empathy and compassion
- how to resolve conflicts without resorting to aggression
- how to compromise based on self-respect and respect for others
- how to deal with their emotions and vulnerabilities without lashing out at others
- the harm and isolation that bullying causes to themselves and others
If kids feel comfortable in their own skin and are able to communicate their feelings assertively this goes a long way to reducing the problem of bullying behaviour.
I sometimes wonder if the guy and his sister have any idea what harm they caused me and others by bullying us? Perhaps they have their own kids and would dread the prospect of them being bullied. Maybe they have no recollection of bullying us or maybe they don’t want to remember. Or maybe he and his sister are exactly the same and continue to bully people in their lives still. Who knows?
I can still see him gritting his teeth as he would hit me. I can still see the sneering laugh on his and his sister’s face as they would ridicule me. I can still remember the places I would go to hide during break and lunchtime to try to avoid their assaults. All these years later I get a pang of sorrow as I remember how bad bullying made me feel as a kid. Bullying is just wrong and no kid should have to endure it.
© Odhrán Allen 2017
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